Senses

There's so many factors throughout life that influenced my current attitude towards coping with disability. Over sensitivity was one of my biggest flaws long before I experienced the burden and stigma of disability, moving around from place to place always made me stand out as a stranger, someone who spoke and acted differently from the rest. It should have equipped when later in life disability made the struggle for acceptance so difficult but of course life doesn't work like that. In some ways ageing puts certain things into prospective, things that once might have caused embarrassment or offence no longer have impact though certain things such as bereavement or disability will always have an affect on sensitivity.   

When someone opts to avoid speaking to me or shows annoyance at having to make extra effort making themselves clear I sometimes feel tears of frustration sting my eyes or have that horrid feeling of being judged as stupid or worse.  Because I still have a little vision in one eye I don't feel so overwhelmingly self conscious when I'm with people I know well, I can let my guard down and ask them to sit closer so I can read their lips, being nose to nose with strangers is a different matter, it's invading space and very few people understand the reason why I have to be at such close range. I habitually make a show of confidence regardless to how I'm actually feeling and as far as I'm concerned it's important to make people believe I'm really confident it puts them at ease and makes them more likely to make an effort, well that's my theory though it doesn't always work.  But having confidence to explain to people about my hearing/vision loss and asking them to make allowance is one thing, understanding what they say without asking them to repeat umpteen times is totally different, it's horrid for me and whoever I'm attempting to communicate with.  I suppose it's because communication is the most fundamental part of human interaction and when challenged in some way everyone becomes uncomfortable.

The fact that I give talks to very large groups of children and adults and answer endless questions is only because I don't have to struggle to understand them. For anyone who doesn't yet know note takers (someone typing the dialogue onto one laptop enabling me to read in large font off another laptop), or dual finger manual or life savers literally, without them speaking to one stranger would highly unlikely, speaking to dozens at a time would be impossible.

Another factor that's played a huge part dealing with my confidence, over sensitivity and many other things was counselling.  A few years ago while at my lowest ebb, housebound and struggling to deal with my feelings, limitations and the changed social attitudes towards me I reluctantly agreed to some counselling sessions suggested and undertaken by the charity Deaf Action. Many people view counselling in a negative light not wishing a stranger to pry into their deepest thoughts, but to my surprise that wasn't the case at all. Initially the conversation was random and guarded on my part, to my surprise the counsellor didn't pry but let things flow without questioning. It was like switching a light on in my head, I'd answered my own questions and found my own solutions with a little guidance. Questions like 'why me,' almost everyone disabled or not will have asked themselves that at one point or another but it's defunct, there's no answer, dwelling on that  question is pointless I've known people to waste so much precious time beating themselves up on it.  I've come such a long way since those early dark days, counselling wasn't a cure for over sensitivity or disability but it did provide a stepping stone to coping, adjusting and dealing with things.

Certain frustrations never end and particularly the frustrations with society in general towards anything that's deemed outside a perceived normal and individuals who frown and pass judgement on anything they don't understand.

I'll never know whether it was age, counselling or those vastly different experiences I've had though life that made me more accepting about my disability. Perhaps it was a mixture of them all, who knows. I'd advocate counselling for anyone who has an issue they struggle to come to terms with. For me the important thing is today I can proudly say I'm comfortable with who I am and though being deaf and almost totally blind still hurts and always will I'm not bitter or angry, never think 'if only' and above all I've learned a tolerance and acceptance for the vast array of differences humans have. I'd never wish disability on anyone but do really wish people with full use vision and hearing could really listen, see and feel the world around them with the same sort of clarity that deafblind people often can. ..