Changes

The day started like almost every other day, walking in darkness and silence unsure if the darkness was total or just the fact it was early hours. Afer a moment or two I realized the darkness was the pre-dawn sky and not blindness. The relief was immense, I thew myself back onto my pillows smiling to myself. It didn't last, within minuits my head was throbbing filled with the whirling and buzzing sounds of tinnitus. I've learned to think of a song that I can match to the noises in my head. it usually works. The downside is I can't shift the tune and tinnitus for days. 

I got up and felt my way cautiously down the stairs not wanting to switch lights on, sudden light when half asleep is blinding for everyone though its worse for the vision impaired.
It can take ages for my solitary seeing eye to adjust to light, sometimes it helps to hold a hand in front of my face and look through tiny gaps between my fingers.

Wish there was a time limit to how long it takes to adjust to a sudden disability, wishful thinking. it's just hard getting through each day feeling low, lost and confused believing life will never improve. It does of course. not the way we envisioned though, the survivalist instinct kicks in. My biggest fear is I'll come to terms with my situation finding ways to do everything, then suddenly this little bit of remaining vision will go, it's inevitable, There's a massive difference between utterly deafblind and totally deaf and partial sighted. I'd give anything to do the things I used to do but I'm learning new things almost daily. It's not the same, but life always is about changes.  

I'm learning to feel everything and that includes dirty workbenches, the tables and the foor. Have to feel for dust and dirt and everything else. I wish I could adopt the policy of out of sight out of mind, but rt wouldn't work.

My teen daughter and her cousin along with my teen grandson were sleeping upstairs gave me an idea Maybe if I searched for some of their things and shoved them away somewhere they'd all help clean up to find them. It didn't work. I hate clutter, its the bane of my life, but I've got a large family. The grandchildren like to have sleepovers but it's reaching the stage when I can't see to cope, its been hellish for years without hearing but without vision its a million times worse. I don't think the family accept I'm genuinely blind and deaf. it could be a case of like me they simply don't want to believe it. I wish they'd understand my struggles, realise I've changed and can't be all things to everyone any more.

I used to enjoy doing everything including cleaning up after them, but now I resent it knowing they are old enough to help. I'm not sure what's worse, deafness or semi blindness. Now and again someone will try to include me in conversations, it doesn't happen often nowm it's challanging and frustrating for them having to repeat themselves over and again,

Once I thought deafness was the most isolating thing, now I know differently. I don't think my otherwise loving family are unique in the sense they are unwittingly prejudiced against sensory losses. They ignore the evident signs.

Life used to be about getting up and doing things to change the world and help others, ironically the boot is on the other foot, I'm the one needing help.  I can't see in the mirror now. if I could I'd ask my image 

who am I? who have I become? I'm sure I'm not the only person with acquired disabilities to ask myself those things.

Helplessness and dependency applied to other's not to me. I guess Pm wallowing in a stream of self-pity at the moment, why not. However it doesn't make me weak, I'm suffering bereavement. part of me has died. 
Now isn't the time to worry about tomorrow, it's one day at a time. For now I don't care what people think of me. The bit of me that stands tall and fights back is still here somewhere, it's having a rest, the road forward is going to be tricky and challenging.  

I don't watch TV anymore, can't read books, listen to music, drive a car etc.  I'm an alien from a distant planet. Far from home and lost. on a primitive technology can't help. I hope I'm around to see mass production of bionic eyes and wonderous hearing gadgets. 
 
Thank heavens for the advent of home computers, blogs and platforms like Facebook. Adjusting them to enable me to see is tricky, enlarging the text to maximum size means slow typing but at least it works, I'm conversing to the outside world one slow painful letter at a time.
I'm luckier than I realised many people can't do this! 
Uplifting little phrases take on new definitions. "there's always a glimmer of light in the darkness" and "there's peace in silence". Absolutely true abet depending on the context.